Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Blog Post: Picking Up Sticks

 

In the process of the last few years, I've been finding and losing myself. I've written my own fiction, reviewed a lot of other work, did some beta-reading for friends. I lost my way, learned some things about myself and generally feel like I've done a lot of growing up in a very short period of time, long after I should have.

One aspect of this is that I realized I'm not well-suited to keeping a regular blog or YouTube channel, obviously. I'm trying to get back into the habit of reading and reviewing, even if it's just for here and GoodReads. Reading and writing about that reading seems to help me with my own writing, too. 

Another major aspect of this introspection is a jarring realization of how much I still need to learn. My perspective as a public service worker has shifted with the pandemic and moving to a more personally-oriented public library. My perspective as a white person in a white-made society made for white people has shifted as I read more about history and the experiences of other people. I want to learn more and I want to share what I learn.

I'm also painfully aware that I'm exactly the kind of earnest, well-meaning, (nearly) middle-aged white woman who so irritates some of my friends of color. It's difficult to find ways to say what I mean without reinforcing the stereotype and further frustrating or earning their dismissal. 

One thing I've taken away from finally starting to listen is that it's been my privilege to not think about this. My privilege paved the way for me to not need to think about race growing up. It's my duty as a responsible adult with an interest in being supportive and equitable to think about it now, to read about it and learn about it now. Sometimes, it's been hard to read some of what I've read and then I stop and think, "Yeah, it's hard. It sucks. And some of my friends didn't get to wait until they were in their 30s to learn about it. They've lived it first-hand and didn't get the choice." I fell like I owe it to them--and all the other people of color who have suffered and continue to live and die here--to educate myself and respect the differences between what I experience and what they have experienced. 

And when it comes right down to it? What I think doesn't matter. What I do doesn't matter. What I say doesn't matter and shouldn't matter except to highlight what they think and do and say. This isn't my fight. It's theirs and I just want to help.

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